Redneck Christmas

‘Wus the night befur Christmas and all thru da house,
All da young’uns were hyper, and I thunk I just saw a mouse!
The kiddies had duck taped to da wall their socks,
And de Mustang in the frunt yard is on new concrete blocks.

The kiddies wur rowdy and didn’t wanna go ta bed,
If they don’t settle down I am gonna skin sum head.
I in bib overalls, and mamma in sponge rollers,
We don’t get dis dressed up ‘less kumpny’s a comin’ over.

When out in da yard I heard a big bang,
I saw my dogs scatter as the gun far rang.
Doze guys in the next trailer ain’t got nutin’ better to do,
Dez must be feelin’ happy after havin’ a drink or two.

Den I saw da moon reflect off the Mustang kevered with snow,
And membered it wuz almost Christmas so off ta bed the kiddies must go.
When what to my wonderin’ eyes should appear,
But a Ford F-350 haulin’ a 12-point reindeer.

The driver wuz a happy ole man so lively and quick,
I knew at that moment it were my third cousin Nick.
More rapid than a bird dog into my house he came,
He whistled and hollered and called my kiddies by name.

Hey John Boy, hey Billy, hey Ralph and Rick,
Come Susie, come Mary, come Jane if you ain’t sick.
I gotta a truck load a candy and a dollar bill fer you all,
Just jump in the ole Ford and I’ll take ya’ll to da mall.

It’s Christmas Eve, Nick have you lost your mind,
Don’t give them kids a dollar, they’d be happy with a dime.
Get on back to bed ya’ll ain’t getting no candy,
Besides that ole Ford it ain’t gotta Hemi.

It wuz at that instant I heard on da roof,
The clatter and clutter of each little hoof.
I heard ‘em up thare just a wonderin’ round,
Confused as could be they’s no chimney ta go down.

He had on red overalls and steel toed work boots,
When he couldn’t find de chimney I heard him say “Oh Shoot.”
These redneck people and their double wide trailer,
I guess it’s a good thang they left out the ladder.

He had a bad cough and his cheeks were red as could be,
It were so cold out thare; I would dress better if it wuz me.
Good ole Gary Pickings said the low will be 32,
If he don’t put on his coat, he jist might get the flew.

He had a korn kob pipe stuck betwixt his teeth,
He has them kind you gotta put in when ya get ready ta eat.
He wuz a short old man with a big round belly,
That shook when he laughed like muskiedine jelly.

He were chubby and plump like Bessie my ole cow,
And he goes down chimneys, I jist don’t see how.
He winked his eye and cocked his head,
I feared at that moment I had sumpin’ ta dread.

He didn’t say a word and went right to his job.
Then I ‘membered I gotta ‘nother kid named Bob.
He stuck his fanger up inside his nose,
And when he pulled out it wuz rally gross.

When he went out the door, he saw Cousin Nick’s buck,
And then he hop in the cab of Cousin Nick’s truck.
I heard him holler as he drove outta sight,“Merry Christmas You Rednecks, and Have A Good Night!"

Merry...uh...Happy...uh...Whatever

Tis the season….OK, Just exactly what season is it??? Now days it is not “PC” to say “Merry Christmas” anymore, they want us to say “Happy Holidays” so as to not hurt anyone’s precious little feelings. So I ask, what are we to be Merry or Happy about anyway? The vast majority of society is sitting around scratching their heads wondering what to give our family and friends because they already have it all, so we go wondering around the Mall and Mal-Wart hoping that something just jumps out at us, buying just anything we see, racking up massive credit card bills. Meanwhile, Visa and MasterCard are smiling the entire time as their pockets bulge even fatter and we spend the entire next year paying off our Christmas spending just so we can do it all over 12 months from now.

Here is an idea…Each week when you get paid set back $20 or so and at the end of the year you will have a pile of CASH to which to go have fun with. Many banks even have Christmas Saving Accounts which allow you to auto draft (in many cases) money into that account, and since we have no self discipline they will only let you draw out the money at the end of the year. Believe it or not all stores still take cash, and contrary to the commercials you see on TV it does not take that much longer to make the transaction. I have been doing it for the past several years and it is amazing how well this works!!!

Now that I have that out of the way on to part two. My other problem with this time of the year is the fact that there are so many people who suddenly become religious in December!!! What about the rest of the year??? For eleven and a half months you make no attempt to step foot into a worship service and then suddenly it is Christmas (and Easter as well) and we have to go to church. Please, attending church on Christmas and Easter only does not make you a religious person or a Christian. If these two dates are the only times you plan to attend a religious service you may as well stay home. “Oh, but it is Jesus’ birthday” you say. Well then I have a challenge for you. – Keep in mind that I attend worship services every time the doors are open and am very active in my church. – Where in the pages of the Holy Bible does it tell us that December 25 is the birthday of Christ, furthermore where does it tell us that we are to celebrate his birthday as a religious holiday. Don’t worry about looking, I already have and it is not in there. We are to live each day for Christ, all 365 of them (366 on leap year) not just 2 days a year.

By now you are thinking that I am anti-Christmas and this is where you are wrong. I believe in Santa Clause, I have a Christmas tree, exchanging gifts, spending time with family. This is what Christmas is all about.