Redneck Christmas

‘Wus the night befur Christmas and all thru da house,
All da young’uns were hyper, and I thunk I just saw a mouse!
The kiddies had duck taped to da wall their socks,
And de Mustang in the frunt yard is on new concrete blocks.

The kiddies wur rowdy and didn’t wanna go ta bed,
If they don’t settle down I am gonna skin sum head.
I in bib overalls, and mamma in sponge rollers,
We don’t get dis dressed up ‘less kumpny’s a comin’ over.

When out in da yard I heard a big bang,
I saw my dogs scatter as the gun far rang.
Doze guys in the next trailer ain’t got nutin’ better to do,
Dez must be feelin’ happy after havin’ a drink or two.

Den I saw da moon reflect off the Mustang kevered with snow,
And membered it wuz almost Christmas so off ta bed the kiddies must go.
When what to my wonderin’ eyes should appear,
But a Ford F-350 haulin’ a 12-point reindeer.

The driver wuz a happy ole man so lively and quick,
I knew at that moment it were my third cousin Nick.
More rapid than a bird dog into my house he came,
He whistled and hollered and called my kiddies by name.

Hey John Boy, hey Billy, hey Ralph and Rick,
Come Susie, come Mary, come Jane if you ain’t sick.
I gotta a truck load a candy and a dollar bill fer you all,
Just jump in the ole Ford and I’ll take ya’ll to da mall.

It’s Christmas Eve, Nick have you lost your mind,
Don’t give them kids a dollar, they’d be happy with a dime.
Get on back to bed ya’ll ain’t getting no candy,
Besides that ole Ford it ain’t gotta Hemi.

It wuz at that instant I heard on da roof,
The clatter and clutter of each little hoof.
I heard ‘em up thare just a wonderin’ round,
Confused as could be they’s no chimney ta go down.

He had on red overalls and steel toed work boots,
When he couldn’t find de chimney I heard him say “Oh Shoot.”
These redneck people and their double wide trailer,
I guess it’s a good thang they left out the ladder.

He had a bad cough and his cheeks were red as could be,
It were so cold out thare; I would dress better if it wuz me.
Good ole Gary Pickings said the low will be 32,
If he don’t put on his coat, he jist might get the flew.

He had a korn kob pipe stuck betwixt his teeth,
He has them kind you gotta put in when ya get ready ta eat.
He wuz a short old man with a big round belly,
That shook when he laughed like muskiedine jelly.

He were chubby and plump like Bessie my ole cow,
And he goes down chimneys, I jist don’t see how.
He winked his eye and cocked his head,
I feared at that moment I had sumpin’ ta dread.

He didn’t say a word and went right to his job.
Then I ‘membered I gotta ‘nother kid named Bob.
He stuck his fanger up inside his nose,
And when he pulled out it wuz rally gross.

When he went out the door, he saw Cousin Nick’s buck,
And then he hop in the cab of Cousin Nick’s truck.
I heard him holler as he drove outta sight,“Merry Christmas You Rednecks, and Have A Good Night!"